The Lakehouse Company™
The world’s first
Platform.
BBBD Cloud unifies every quote, photo, and questionable decision into one governed platform. Petabyte-scale back-end infrastructure, purpose-built for big backs.
No credit card required. No dignity either.
Trusted by 6 of the world’s 6 biggest backs
Medallion Architecture
From raw take to certified lore. Fully governed.
Every event enters the lakehouse as Bronze. The group votes. Quality ascends. This is data governance, and it is legally binding.
Bronze
Raw takes, straight from the source. Unfiltered. Ungoverned. Frankly concerning.
Silver
Peer-reviewed by the group. Context added. Slander removed (some).
Gold
Immutable. Load-bearing. Will be quoted at your wedding.
Fig 1. The medallion. Data flows left to right. Respect flows nowhere.
One platform. Every cheek.
Everything you need to run a serious data operation. Or this.
ACID Compliance
Atomic. Consistent. Isolated. Dummy Thicc. Every transaction guaranteed to clap back.
Time Travel
Replay any argument exactly as it happened. Point-in-time recovery for grudges.
Zero-Copy Sharing
Screenshots of the group chat, shared to other group chats, without asking.
Schema-on-Read
Nobody knows what the plan is until we get there. That's a feature.
Elastic Compute
Workloads scale out automatically. Stretchy shorts included in all tiers.
Enterprise Governance
One designated guy who says 'guys, not in this chat.' SLA: best effort.
Independent Research*
The BBBD Quadrant™
For the fourth consecutive year, BBBD has been named a Leader in Completeness of Booty and Ability to Do.
*Research conducted internally, by us, after several drinks. Methodology available upon subpoena.
Leadership
The executive team.
Six industry veterans. Zero relevant experience.
Customer Stories
Don’t take our word for it. Take theirs. Under oath.
“Gotta figure out how to put beers in our gummies. That's the roadmap. That's the entire roadmap. The lakehouse makes it possible.”
“What are the wilds again? — a question I asked in a fully governed environment, where it was ingested, vetted, and certified Gold within minutes. Incredible platform.”
“I'm pretty sleepy. BBBD Cloud respects that. The autoscaler handles everything while I'm horizontal. True serverless.”
“[Testimonial pending legal review.]”
“They are looking for that sweet mouth of yours. And thanks to BBBD's zero-copy sharing and sub-40ms clap latency, they will find it.”
“I did not consent to this platform.”
Pricing
Transparent pricing. Opaque motives.
Data Puddle
For hobbyist backs.
- 1 cheek of storage
- Bronze-tier ingestion only
- Community governance (yelling)
- Best-effort clap latency
Data Lake
For growing operations.
- Unlimited cheeks
- Full medallion pipeline
- Real-time lore certification
- Time Travel (up to last Tuesday)
- Swoop Analytics Suite
BIG BACK Enterprise
For serious institutions.
- Everything in Data Lake
- On-prem lakehouse deployments
- Dedicated governance guy
- 24/7 support (he is asleep)
- Contract negotiable over ribs
All plans include unlimited seats. There are only six of you. We checked.